Quotage

Best quotes from my scary scary weekend.

Todd: "Don't worry. Its only 12 volts."

Kelsey: "What should I do if the sirens go off while I'm driving?"
Robyn: "If there's a tornado warning, drive faster."

Little girl across the street: "Want to see our basement? Follow me, come see our basement!"
Kelsey and Robyn follow. Kelsey places one foot onto basement carpet.
Kelsey: "Ewww. Gross. Wet! Back up the stairs. Back up the stairs! Move Move Move! Robyn, turnaround, back up the stairs!"
Little girl jumping up and down on carpet: "Squishy!"

Kelsey: "Go to sleep if you want to."
Robyn: "I just want to see the flood and then I'll go back to sleep."

Robyn: "Remember in eighth grade when I used to layer my clothes all the time. It seems like everyone is doing it now."
Kelsey: "Yeah, it's cool now."


More to come, once I remember.

in trouble?

Here's a great tip to get yourself out of any sticky situation.

"Aim for her head."

Yeah, think about it. Deep, right?

The location in this story changes 4 times

A couple of summers ago I went down to Carbondale, IL to visit some friends for their birthdays, you know who you are because it was around July 19. A bunch of kids, of the college-age, were in town for the summer or the week and decided that a great big game of capture the flag in the quad would be the best way to bring everyone together for a night.

The game went pretty well, we won one, they won one, and now we were down to one last game. A girl (Whit) pocketed firecrackers and was spooking people with them. One kid (Simon) jumped off a wall and was tackled by my former roommate (Suzy). I forgot to bring shoes.

During this last game my team decides the best way to end it is to blizt (meaning: everyone but me will run over to the other side and try to capture their stupid flag). I was told to stay behind because I was the smallest and shoeless. So I'm hanging around the flag while everyone else quickly disappears.

It's quiet and I'm laying on my stomach behind a tree. I'm getting bored waiting for something to happen, so I decided I needed to practice my somersaults. This soon led to Mission Impossible theme music and clasping my hands together in a "gun" form. By the way, somersaulting soon turned into rolling and cartwheels, finished off with the nice fake gun clasp. If it were the Olympics I would definetly get a "10." No doubt.

I swear, 15 minutes passed by. And still nothing. Pretty soon, one particularly humongous man in a black cap (Cory) ran by me, plucked the flag from the tree branch (which I couldn't reach anyway) and used his gigantor-legs to speed out of there. I had no chance. And no team. Later, I learned that everyone on my team was tagged almost instantly and thrown in the jail, the other team waited for me to let my guard down before sending over Andre the Giant. I was a little mad/confused/thrown off, but since it was such a great joke on their part, I got over it rather quickly.

A little later that night, I noticed I was itchy, and so did everyone else. Really itchy. So itchy that my arms were all red, swollen, and covered in tiny little bumps. Someone (not sure who)made the comment that they looked like insect bites. I mentioned I was lying in the grass (I know that wasn't completely honest, but hey), but it was smaller than a mosquito bite. Suzy suggested ants. Apparently, she was right, I rolled through a couple of red ant hills. RED ANT HILLS. And they BITE. HARD! And there are plenty of them in Carbondale, its all very suspicious.

Quickly, my friend (Lee) and I went to the 24-hour WalMart to pick up some Benedril. He said that when he takes Benedril on the farm he usually takes two and that solves the problem instantly. So I did. Pretty soon I was passed out on the floor on my tummy, and I woke up to Josh dripping ice cold water on my back. All my limbs were immobile. I seriously thought that my arms, legs, and the floor were conjoined as one. I couldn't move. They were so heavy. And my face was like Jello.

According to the bottle I could have taken half of a Benedril and been stupendous. Oh and next time I will buy the non-drowsy kind.

Labels labels labels.

Andy thinks I'm unattractive

So there's an Ex-Commissioner who comes in to golf about twice a week. His name is Andy. Sweet-old-I forget your name-where are my keys-Hey look! you're left-handed- Andy. It's tough watching people get older, especially when you've met them a thousand and one times and they still ask for your name, even though my name tag is usually planted ever-so-nicely above my right boob. I guess that means that people just aren't lookin anymore.

So I'm taking in tee times for other golfers and checking them in. During the commotion, I notice that Andy is at the other side of the building, probably 200 yards away. Earlier, I took his keys from him because he wanted to rent a golf cart. I knew he would never give me back the golf cart keys if I didn't take away from him something that he needed to get home with, like car keys, (but now that I think about he really shouldn't be driving anyway).

So anyway, I see Andy and decided that I should probably grab the golf cart keys from him before I forget too. I quickly picked up his car keys and met him halfway for an exchange. We each smiled and traded kind words, and then I walked back to my station. It suddenly became slow, not very unusual for a weekday. So I snuck a book behind the counter and began my reading. . . and trying to be stealthy. Every now and then I would slap the keyboard to make it look like I was busy.

Next thing I know, Andy is at my station, rapping on the counter with his fingernails. I look up from my book and smile.

"Hi Andy."

"Hi there [looks at name tag] Robyn. Hey, you're reading with your left hand."

"Yep, I am. Us left-handers need to stick together."

"Ha. Yeah. Sure. Hey, have you got my car keys?"

"Oh, no. I already gave them to you. Don't you remember, I met you halfway."

Andy sticks his hands in all of his pockets in search of keys. Everything the man carries seems to be pulled out and onto the countertop in seconds. Some of these things include: 2 wallets, a stash of business cards rubberbanded together, eye drops, loose change, buttons, a safety pin, and then the keys.

(Sorry this story is getting long)

We both notice the keys on the counter top and he chuckles. "Well, you're right. There they are." Andy picks everything back up and shoves them into random pockets and then HE SPEAKS, "You know. I'm a little disappointed I had to come all the way over here."

"Why?"

"Well, I can't see that far, but I thought if I came over here you would at least be attractive."

dazed and confused

Who knew that the best relationship advice I'd ever get would be from my father.

trying, but not really trying, to be a good role model every'wear'

I was at Target the other day looking for a new sports bra and I ran into a girl I knew in high school, like that wasn't awkward enough, and since I'm known to flee awkward situations before they happen, unfortunately I was caught off-guard by the new sports bras with padding in them (they make your boobs pointy, so if you ever want full support and secretly impersonate Madonna). Anyway, this new support system completely grabbed my attention and convinced me to start inspecting the fluffy insides of the bra. I heard my name behind the pajama pants rack and there is what's-her-name, yeah that's right. I don't remember her name. Don't even remember a friend we have in common. Or a class we had together. But there she is WITH HER KID!! I'm not even 22 yet, and SHE HAS A KID. . . of TODDLER age! While talking with What's-Her-Name and What's-Her-Name's-Third-Base-Oopsy I remember thinking this is why I flee these situations to begin with, because of superficial conversation. "Hi, how are you?" "Good. And you?" "Good. What have you been up to?" "Just finished school. And you?" "Working part-time at Walgreens." "Well, its good to have goals in life."

I think the conversation took a real turn up-hill when I told her open-eared youngling about how someday she too will be able to try on stiff sports bras.

Bambi vs Godzilla

We were talking about this in work today and it sort of was a blast from the past. I haven't seen it since eighth grade at a chirstian retreat. Weird. Still makes me laugh though.